I’ve just started my fourth round of chemo this fall. I should get a ‘cancer level’ report by next week, so I’ll try to let you know the results. The bad number started at 3.3 and had dropped to 1.9 last month. It seems to be dropping a little slower than last year, and the cumulative affect of chemo is hitting me this week.
A few times since I’ve been diagnosed with cancer, someone has said, “You are indestructible until the time God has ordained you to leave this earth.” I understand this statement, but I sure don’t feel too indestructible these days. If I were a soldier in the war zone, I think I would want this belief to give me great courage. They say Confederate general Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson was a man of faith who exhibited amazing calm in battle because he believed his life was completely in the hands of his Maker. Unfortunately, he was mortally wounded by “friendly fire” at Chancellorsville in 1863. I’m not sure how such a wound impacted Jackson’s faith.
In the case of cancer, we seem to fight off the enemy, keep it at bay a while, live a full life, then prepare to fight again. God gets the credit for each day I live. I thank him for new weapons to use against this disease and for doctors and nurses who sincerely care for their patients. I am thankful for all the people who pray for me. I know God has the power to speak this cancer into nonexistence, but at this point I’ve just got to deal with it. I don’t mind saying I often feel destructible.
Now lest you think I’m writing a rather faithless, depressing message, remember that feelings and faith are not the same. People might argue that the way “Stonewall” Jackson died proved his faith was absurd. But who’s to say he was wrong? Some would say the constant recurrence of cancer proves God is not really in control but medicine is. But perhaps this is a part of a mysterious cross I am to bear on this earth. Arguing these matters does little good, because often our faith and feelings are so intertwined we don’t know which is which. If my faith is based on my own thoughts and conclusions, my changing feelings will keep me on an unending roller coaster ride. My faith is in an “Indestructible Life”, but it is not my own. As the writer of Hebrews was explaining the unique priesthood of Jesus, he called him “One who has become a priest not on the basis of a regulation to his ancestry but on the basis of the power of an indestructible life.” (Hebrews 7:16) This One’s body was destroyed on a cruel cross, but God proved his life indestructible as He raised him on the third day.
Too many variables hit my feelings these days, but the One who is faithful and true has all power to give me what I need. Monday, our oldest daughter Kinsey wrote me a note that is helping me through the week: “Well Dad, I know you are not looking forward to this day too much. Last week we sang a song and I thought the lyrics would be encouraging during this week of chemo:
‘You are the Everlasting God, the Everlasting God.
You do not faint; You won’t grow weary
You’re the defender of the weak; You comfort those in need.
You lift us up on wings like eagles.’
Just remember God gives strength to the weary and increases your power. You’ll soar on wings like eagles! I know you probably don’t feel that way, but God will give you strength!”
The One who is indestructible is with us…
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired and weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:28-31